Not Too Bright

I'd like to share with you the dumbest thought I've ever had.

This happened years ago, and even after all this time I haven't trumped myself with a dumber thought... that I know of. Feel free to inform me if I've ever said something bonehead-ier than this:

A man rode by me on a recumbent bicycle, and I thought "Oh what a cool bike. He must be paralyzed from the waist up."

The fact that I soon after realized how impossible that is comforts me slightly.

It Boils Down To This

There are two types of people: those who return the shopping cart to the cart corral, and those who don't.

I know everyone thinks they are complex and unique. I'm not saying we're not. We're very special, each of us a precious jewel in a pile of crap. I am saying the choice that is made in this scenario determines if you contribute to society, or if you expect other people to pick up your slack. Whether you're industrious or lazy. Humble or narcissistic. Which one are you? You don't have to tell me. Just start returning the cart to the corral, precious jewel.

Sarah's Back... Back Again...

After a significant hiatus, I'm back to blogging full time. I'm sure The Huffington Post is all over this.

I had to take a break for awhile. I started to feel as though I needed to censor the majority of my evil little thoughts for a myriad of reasons.

During my time as an on-air personality for a TV station, I wanted to tread lightly, so's not to create any negative publicity. E! News was holding their breath, just waiting for me to slip up.

I then did a stint of subbing for Pre-K through 12th grade and believe me, I had A LOT to say about those kids (demons). But you know, that wouldn't be "nice" and again, I was trying to be respectful, and continue to get paid for babysitting those... gulp... sweet little angels (read: opposite).

Finally, I felt accountable to my husband, Grant. As an entertainer, he has a relatively high profile. I mean, he has 2182 Facebook friends! The man has arrived. So, between his political aspirations (I know), his impressionable young fans, and creepy middle aged women that want to know more about me (Yes, YOU)... I needed a timeout to figure out how to continue writing here.

It's decided. I'm not changing a GD thing. And it feels really good. See you suckas tomorrow!

My Apologies

I have to come clean.

I haven't updated this blog in awhile because I wasn't ready to publicly admit something shameful. I've finally resigned myself to my misdeed, and I'm ready to shout it from the mountaintops! Or, inform the three of you that still check this site periodically between Facebook and your work email.

I've moved to Branson, Missouri.

Sigh. I know. WTF, right? Now for damage control.

I moved here because my boyfriend's band got a great gig. I met him on the ship, and amazingly, we still like each other. I figured it was worth pursuing a future with the one person I didn't want to strangle after spending a significant amount of time with. So far, so good.

I know I'm not shocking anyone by saying that Branson is weird. I spend as little time there as possible, only venturing in to see the boy's show once a week. Other than that, I head north to Springfield six days a week to work and perform.

Here's the crazy thing: I moved to BFE to find an improv theater I love performing at, and a steady gig on TV.

I work at a new TV station as an on-air personality. Basically I'm a Midwestern (or southern, depending on your taste) VJ. So far, it's been pretty fun. Here are some examples of some vignettes I've done in the past couple weeks:

Car Vignette

Events Vignette

Silly stuff under the guise of a big girl, corporate job. I wear closed toes shoes at least twice a week now.

On Friday and Saturday nights, I get to perform at The Skinny Improv. I cannot believe this place is here. The performers are truly talented, and so much fun to play with. I did a piece on The Skinny for the TV station. This was my first attempt at a vignette without direction, so cut me some slack! Golly.

The Skinny Improv Vignette

So, this is my new life, in a nutshell. It's not that bad.

Trash

To my Do-Gooder Friends,

Go to KeepOceansClean.org to save... The Little Mermaid?

The Environmental Defense Fund is dedicated to protecting the environmental rights of all people, including future generations. Either they think eventually we'll mate with fish, or they are desperate to reach us by appealing to our childhood heroines.

Ariel!! No! Don't eat that plastic bag! If only we'd donated ten bucks to that foundation!

Pick a little, talk a little, cheep cheep cheep...

I kinda want to start a blog where I post transcribed conversations I overhear between women in the bathroom. I don't know what it is, but I think we forget that other people can hear us when we're in there. In fact, Ladies, our words are magnified and echoed to the other chicks in the stalls. The really sad thing is that the conversations revolve around 2 subjects - Men that aren't doing what we want them to do, and Women we hate.

If you're a woman reading this and thinking to yourself, "I don't do that!" yes, you do. I challenge my sex to broaden our horizons and try to talk something else. I know it'll be hard; we've been conditioned over the years that the place we pee is the place we bitch. And how about while you're saying something nice about your guy friend's new girlfriend, you take a seat... it'll help you relax and save me from sitting in your germs later. Oh, what a lovely place the world will be!!

The Truth

I had the best conversation the other night. I was at a bar (I know, surprise surprise... shut up) with my childhood friend, when we ran into her sister. Her VERY drunk sister. When my friend introduced us, the following was said:

Sister: WHO are you?

Me: Sarah.

Sister: Oh, yeah! I don't like you.

Me: Oh yeah? Awesome.

My friend: No, no. You like Sarah. You don't like (other childhood friend who shall not be named... though it's tempting because she turned out to be an asshole).

Sister: Nope. Don't like you. (hiccup) Never did.

Me: Well, it's nice to meet you for the first time ever.

That's pretty amazing. Now, I gave her alot of leeway in this scenario, because she was so wasted. Any protests on my part would've made her insist harder, and maybe turn violent... I dunno, she had alot of tattoos. I don't mess with chicks with alot of tattoos. Also, I kind of like the thought of people having the courage - albeit liquid courage - to say what they're actually thinking. I also like thinking I'm memorable and powerful enough to be remembered unfavorably for 20 years.

On another note, I discovered the best thing ever: I found a light in a bathroom in a house in Wellesley, MA, under which I look STUNNING. Seriously, this is my spot. I couldn't stop staring at myself in the mirror. I actually kept leaving the party I was at to go into the bathroom to look at myself. So, let's all pick a day when we travel to this bathroom in MA and look at me under the light. You will not be disappointed.

Wow, no wonder that girl hates me.

I was in Hamilton, Bermuda, the other day, chilling at a coffee shop, using their free WiFi, when this box walked by me:




The owner's kid was parading around, having the time of his life, unaware that what he's doing is totally weird. At what age do we stop letting kids do strange things? I'd put him at 7 years old; do you think if he was thirteen it wouldn't be as endearing? What if I did it today? I think I could pull it off. Somebody get me a refrigerator box.

Only 2 and a half more weeks and I'm home! What the hell am I going to do with myself? Yikes.

My new unhealthy obsession is the TV show Friday Night Lights. I've watched 3 seasons just this week. It can't be good for the brain to watch 12 straight hours of a TV show, while only taking a break to get food from the buffet or pee. It's worth it. This show is A. Maze. Ing. It actually has a main character in love with his wife, not that cliche bullshit we see in sitcoms all the time. You know, the reluctant husband bound to the ball and chain. Instead, it's an example of a healthy, happy relationship. It's balanced; they fight and have misunderstandings, but the message is always "love your family, they are the most important thing." What a concept. And in this age, where a lot of kids (and adults) learn how to behave by watching TV, let's have more of that please! Let's make it cool again to be held accountable to the people we love.

Fashion Tips

Dear Men and Boys of my generation,

This is your official warning: if you don't start pulling up your pants, I'm going to start posting pictures of your ass crack on this blog. Nobody wants that. Do us all a solid.

I've seen a phenomenon a few times in the past year, and it must be addressed. Whenever there's some kind of accident, people rush over to the site and hover, watching the action. WTF? Get out of there! You're not helping anything. It's a part of human nature that I abhor.

Yesterday, I was waiting for some friends just outside the ship when I heard a piercing scream behind me. An old man had fallen off the trolley. Now, he was actually fine, since it was literally a foot from the ground. But her unnecessary, over-dramatic shriek attracted all kinds of attention AND freaked the old guy out. I'm sure he was thinking, "Good Lord, what does this woman see that I don't? This must be really bad!" Sure enough, here come all the people that just have to see what's going on. Give the man some privacy, and find something else to preoccupy your tiny minds with, people!

I came up with a joke recently, and I'm not quite sure how to get it out there. I figure this is a good place to start:

Q: What did the judge say to the 2 fruits in California?
A: Canteloupe!

Thank you, thank you (insert grand, sweeping bow here)

It's so hot in Bermuda today, I'm sweating from too much sitting around.

I have to laugh, because while writing this, I'm having a conversation over Facebook chat with the guy sitting across from me. Ah, modern flirtation. Gotta keep up.

And... for your viewing pleasure:




I call this: Naked in Public

Also...

Yet another of my ex-boyfriends is engaged.

I'm like Primer.

Careful, boys: primer is only necessary when the material has void spaces. Sure you want to adhere to that?

What the hell am I talking about? What a weirdo. Hmmm.... no wonder I'm single.

Me Bitching Again

As the designer of a cruise ship, I think the best placement of closet doors is where they can roll side to side and slam when the ship rocks. Did I mention I put them on wheels to ensure prime sliding? I should be murdered.

I'm in a weird place right now, literally and figuratively. On one hand, I'm really ready to get back to my life on land. On the other hand, I'm not sure what I'm going back to. A shitty economy? I've been so fortunate to be a working actor, I really don't want to go back to uncertainty. I guess I'll just do what I always do. Trust that it's going to work out. So far, so good.

The carpet in my cabin is so busy. Any time I drop something it takes me forever to find it. Everything blends into the pattern! I've just stopped looking for things. If I drop it, it's gone forever, like dropping it in molten lava. I hope the person who inhabits this cabin after me enjoys it all.

Man, I'm surly right now.

Well, since I'm on a roll...

Here's the problem with the auto-flush toilets: people assume it will always flush. Make sure!! Turn around and confirm that it's gone! I'm sick of walking into a stall and being greeted by your pee. This isn't England, for crying out loud! (I have no idea what that means. Some connection to the plague?) People are so gross.

Wait, butt...

We've discovered a new pastime on the ship: Judging Butts.

It's quite simple: Nic, Jamie and I sit in a high traffic area, and judge the butts of the people that walk by on a scale of 1 to 12. Why 12, you may be wondering? Well, one butt in particular deserved it. Really, you should've seen it. Yowza.

Admit it, you do it too. Maybe not as formally, but when someone walks away from you, you check out their butt. Next time you do it, assign a number to it. It's loads of fun.

False Advertising

When I was in NOLA this past weekend, I passed a sign that said:

AMBLING PROBLEM? CALL: 800-555-5555*

Upon further investigation, it actually said "Gambling Problem." The "G" was obscured by some shrubbery. I love the thought of having an ambling problem. Until there's a fire.


*fake number

Standards

I'm going through major dog withdrawal. I need to find a pet store soon and pet a pooch, or I don't know what I'll do. I miss my parents' dog, Max. He's a big dumb lovable yellow lab who wants nothing more that to play and snuggle. I sure could use some of that right now. In the meantime, I may adopt this adorable little monkey:



We really bonded.

What did people do on sea voyages before laptops and portable DVD players? Were people actually reading? The library on the ship is so desolate... which makes it the best place to hide. I just finished David Sedaris's "When You Are Engulfed in Flames," and picked up "Henry and June" by Anais Nin and "The Hours" by Michael Cunningham. Both of these books have been adapted to movies, so they must be good, right? That's my barometer. I'm so inspired to read because I've seen everything the ship plays on its TV channels at least 10 times. You see, they choose a handful of movies and TV shows every few months, and then play the shit out of them. I've seen enough "Ghost Town," "Mad Money," "Grey's Anatomy," and "Miley Cyrus, Live in Concert" to last my next 2 lifetimes. May I please take this opportunity to point out, if I wasn't trapped in the middle of the Gulf of Mexico, I would never have seen any of them. But here I am, so I watch them while choking back the vomit.

Speaking of, all the elevators have their own unique smell. If I was blindfolded and led through all 9 elevators, I would be able to tell you which one I was in simply based on the scent. For example, the left elevator in the middle of the ship smells like fish. Did somebody hide one behind the button panel? It's seriously rank, and I don't understand why it hasn't been investigated and rectified. The middle elevator at the front of the ship smells like old lady perfume. Always. I think it's haunted. When I get in it, I say, "hey! Old Lady! Get out of here! Go to the light! The riches of heaven await you!" She's not interested.

Compliance

I've been asked by several sources to write something new so they don't have to see a half-naked woman hula hooping every time they check this blog. So, here's a new pic:



The room stewards make animals out of towels sometimes. I love coming back to my room when there's a surprise waiting for me. In case you can't tell, that's a monkey. He has packets of creamer for eyes. Brilliant.

Nuthouse

This past week, I encountered the craziest people on this ship. Apparently they're offering a package for nutjobs, because they're all here.

Take for instance, this person:



Your eyes do not deceive you: this is a grown woman hula hooping her crazy heart out on the pool deck. For hours. Please note the bathing suit and braids. She is really showing off, strutting her stuff all around the pool, making sure everybody sees her. I really can't tell if she's insane or just on vacation.

I found a new special spot for me to hide out and chill. I've been really desperate for some new things to look at, and I found it on deck 7, the Promenade. I sit in a comfy padded deck chair with my Guatemalan coffee and read chicklit between sending emails on my blackberry. I'm so fortunate because I can send and receive emails at no extra cost. Thank God! I’d freak out if I couldn’t send a random thought to someone and get an immediate response. It would be so alienating! Emailing has become my new texting.

I've learned a valuable lesson about alone time. In order to dissuade anyone from intruding it's important to remove any surrounding chairs. I failed to do that yesterday, and I'll never make that mistake again. So, I'm sitting there, my nose buried in a book, and I hear "You look lonely. Mind if I join you?" Gross. So I look up at the dude that has wandered into my zone and said, very sweetly, "I'm not lonely, but you're welcome to sit there." He immediately goes, "Fine, never mind, jeez, whatever," all petulantly as if I had responded with, "no Fuckface. Why don’t you take your stupid line and shove it up your ass?" Thankfully, as he was saying it, he was practically running away so I didn't have to pretend to be all, "hey, no, don't be like that." Really, guy? I wonder what makes a person act like that. But I love ‘em when they’re walking away, so I chased after him and we made out fiercely.

That last part is not true.

Look, I know how I sound. But it can be really exhausting to be a woman; you’re constantly thwarting weird, unwanted advances. Or maybe I just attract the weird ones. That is a real possibility. I guess it would be worse if no one were interested.

The best crazy people are the old ones. Nic and I had a conversation in the ship’s diner with an older Alabaman couple. It started innocently enough with them describing all the cruises they’ve been on and somehow devolved into them saying some downright racist things about Katrina and New Orleans as Nic and I sat slack jawed. What do they care? They’re old. My favorite old person? The guy that belted out “Jesus Christ, this fucking ship!” in response to the fact that the hallway he wanted to walk down was roped off for maintenance.

But really, he had a point.

Retrospective

I'd like to take this opportunity to share with you some choice pictures from my blackberry. Some of them are a bit grainy. What do you expect? It's a phone! And my calendar. And access to the internet. Plus it stores all my contacts, organizes tasks, is my main alarm clock, and a myriad of other things. Dammit, blackberry! You're magical. Why don't you take better pictures?

These were all taken in 2008. Since it's February of 2009, it seems like a good time to close the book on last year.



This pic was taken in Chicago from the car I was sitting in waiting for the light to change. Please note the creepy guy staring at the poor woman as she tries to ignore him. Ah, the city. We're all one step away from being attacked.




This pic was taken in Bar Harbor, Maine. Natalie and I had the night off together, so we had cocktails at the water's edge. I love champagne, strawberries, and the fact that I'm lucky enough to afford this luxury. As I travel the world, it becomes more apparent how fortunate we are. I don't want to take any happiness for granted.




Relaxing on the grass in the square in Bar Harbor




I'm pretty sure I took this in Maine. I just love foggy days. They're so romantic. Plus I don't feel guilty if I don't really get outside. Sometimes I feel forced to enjoy the day as hard as possible when it's sunny. Overcast days give me a break.



AVP on Hermosa Beach, CA in June. I'll take this sunny day: lots of hot guys in swimsuits knocking a ball around.




Took this in LA. Can you see the guy balancing his kid on his head? It was nuts!



This note was slipped under my friend's apartment door. Feel free to call this douchebag's number and give him a hard time.




Can you tell that's my face in that cutout? It's not Michelle Monaghan's. I know, we are very similar. I don't know what's worse: starring in a stupid movie or marrying an idiot. Here's hoping I avoid both in real life.




From the set of Public Enemies, shot in Chicago in front of The Biograph theater in my 'hood. Alas, Christian Bale wasn't there. They were choreographing the scene in which Dillinger is shot. It was below freezing in May. Michael Mann was screaming at everyone. OK, that last part isn't true. Rumor has it he was a real piece of work, but I don't want to get slapped with a defamation suit.




Boynton Canyon in Sedona, AZ. It has a reputation as a site of a New Age "vortex" - a sort of energy field emanating from inner earth. Not sure if I subscribe to this bit of modern mysticism, but I did realize there that I spend too much time hating people I don't know. That epiphany has served me pretty well since. Beyond that, it's an amazing hike and a nice place to sit and think.




My favorite view from the NCL Spirit. Santo Tomas de Castilla, Guatemala.




After an incredible storm in Chicago. The city was torn apart! This is just one image from my street. Poor guy. Hope he had insurance.




Navy Pier. Taken from Chicago Shakespeare Theater in November '08. I miss you and hate you and love you, Chicago!