I think I may be the jerk sometimes. The evidence is piling up.
Recently in Bucktown I was scared and grossed out by a homeless man that approached me... until he offered me a sheet of his poetry for one dollar. So I bought it... then I read it... and it was beautiful. Shame on me.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Eau de vie
Here's a game I like to play on the bus: it's called "Who Smells Like *BLANK*." The answers are wide open. I have found that pee is the most popular smell.
How are so many people wetting themselves? Or, what do I know, maybe its the hot new scent at Bath & Body Works. Piss Body Spray. Congrats B&B! It's a top seller!!
Also, my Women's Health magazine is giving me the creeps about bacteria and bugs. Did you know "we unintentionally eat up to two pounds of bugs annually???" That's way high. I estimated maybe two individual ones per year, not two POUNDS!!! Also, "we transfer 10,000 bacteria from a mouth to a bowl of dip when someone double dips three to six times????" You're not the only one at the party! Make the most of your one dip per chip!
I like to be informed, but I think for info like that, ignorance is bliss!!
So, the question on everyone's mind is: am I a germ freak, or simply one of the good guys, AKA clean and piss-free? Only time will tell...
How are so many people wetting themselves? Or, what do I know, maybe its the hot new scent at Bath & Body Works. Piss Body Spray. Congrats B&B! It's a top seller!!
Also, my Women's Health magazine is giving me the creeps about bacteria and bugs. Did you know "we unintentionally eat up to two pounds of bugs annually???" That's way high. I estimated maybe two individual ones per year, not two POUNDS!!! Also, "we transfer 10,000 bacteria from a mouth to a bowl of dip when someone double dips three to six times????" You're not the only one at the party! Make the most of your one dip per chip!
I like to be informed, but I think for info like that, ignorance is bliss!!
So, the question on everyone's mind is: am I a germ freak, or simply one of the good guys, AKA clean and piss-free? Only time will tell...
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Tragic
There's not much on TV this Sunday afternoon...
So I decided to watch "Saving Private Ryan" starting somewhere in the middle. When it got to the scene where Giovanni Ribisi dies, I had to change the channel. It's a heart-wrenching scene and why put myself through that again?
The only other semi-palatable movie on was "The First Wives Club." It was the final scene where the women sing "You Don't Own Me." It's just awful. So, I switched back to "Saving Private Ryan." But that was too much, so I switched back to FWC. Then that was too much, so I switched back to SPR. Guess I'd rather watch a painful death scene than the painful, weak out of "First Wives Club." Ouch.
How's that for timely burns? Ha! Take it, shitty movie from 1996!
So I decided to watch "Saving Private Ryan" starting somewhere in the middle. When it got to the scene where Giovanni Ribisi dies, I had to change the channel. It's a heart-wrenching scene and why put myself through that again?
The only other semi-palatable movie on was "The First Wives Club." It was the final scene where the women sing "You Don't Own Me." It's just awful. So, I switched back to "Saving Private Ryan." But that was too much, so I switched back to FWC. Then that was too much, so I switched back to SPR. Guess I'd rather watch a painful death scene than the painful, weak out of "First Wives Club." Ouch.
How's that for timely burns? Ha! Take it, shitty movie from 1996!
Monday, May 5, 2008
I wish....
I've had some thoughts over the last month that I don't think require long explanations; so I thought I'd list them here. Keep in mind, a lot of these are the things I force myself not to say in the moment. So while they may seem jerky, remember that I nearly exploded keeping them inside. And that, my friends, is what makes a lady. Sigh.
I spend too much time hating people I don't know.
I'd love to pull a gun on someone that's being a jerk without suffering the consequences. I think if that person pooped their pants out of fear, they'd probably get humble and turn into a nicer person.
I'd love to say "I don't care" to the person telling me about their upcoming surgery
I'm so grossed out by the animated bacteria on commercials for cleaning supplies and medicine! It's disgusting! I hate those products for making me feel like that, and so I refuse to buy what they're selling!
What will my celebrity cause be? Darfur is taken, and Noah Wylie has already claimed the polar bears. What's left? I think I'm going to fund research on how to keep puppies as puppies forever.
We get it, pop culture photographers! Enough with the "aw shucks" shot of the quirky actor with his hand behind his head. This image is supposed to say, "I don't know, I'm just me I guess." How can that be when everyone else that's your type is doing it?
I wish I could say "that sucks" to a terrible idea. Especially when the person with said idea insists that it's not when I delicately pooh pooh it.
Any song that has the lyrics, "Life is..." automatically sucks
Stop trying so hard.
When I'm a serial killer in a movie, I'm going to leave the list of names of the people I'm killing tacked to a corkboard above my desk. That way the detectives that discover that list upon forcefully entering my vacated apartment will be sure to apprehend me in the nick of time. They'll know where to go because I've crossed out the names of the people I've already killed sequentially. Let me acknowledge that normally, commenting on this over-used technique in movies would seem hacky to me; we all know that's stupid... if I hadn't just seen it on a CSI rerun. Yikes.
I have more, but they're mostly along the lines of just wishing people would just act the way I want them to. I can't be the only one who feels this way.
I spend too much time hating people I don't know.
I'd love to pull a gun on someone that's being a jerk without suffering the consequences. I think if that person pooped their pants out of fear, they'd probably get humble and turn into a nicer person.
I'd love to say "I don't care" to the person telling me about their upcoming surgery
I'm so grossed out by the animated bacteria on commercials for cleaning supplies and medicine! It's disgusting! I hate those products for making me feel like that, and so I refuse to buy what they're selling!
What will my celebrity cause be? Darfur is taken, and Noah Wylie has already claimed the polar bears. What's left? I think I'm going to fund research on how to keep puppies as puppies forever.
We get it, pop culture photographers! Enough with the "aw shucks" shot of the quirky actor with his hand behind his head. This image is supposed to say, "I don't know, I'm just me I guess." How can that be when everyone else that's your type is doing it?
I wish I could say "that sucks" to a terrible idea. Especially when the person with said idea insists that it's not when I delicately pooh pooh it.
Any song that has the lyrics, "Life is..." automatically sucks
Stop trying so hard.
When I'm a serial killer in a movie, I'm going to leave the list of names of the people I'm killing tacked to a corkboard above my desk. That way the detectives that discover that list upon forcefully entering my vacated apartment will be sure to apprehend me in the nick of time. They'll know where to go because I've crossed out the names of the people I've already killed sequentially. Let me acknowledge that normally, commenting on this over-used technique in movies would seem hacky to me; we all know that's stupid... if I hadn't just seen it on a CSI rerun. Yikes.
I have more, but they're mostly along the lines of just wishing people would just act the way I want them to. I can't be the only one who feels this way.
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