Choices

In legal news, Carmen Electra is suing the NWWL for breach of contract, negligence and unfair business practices, claiming that she was never paid her agreed-upon price for a handful of live event appearances.

For those of you who have lives, NWWL stands for the Naked Womens' Wrestling League.

Personally, I'm shocked and dismayed. If you can't trust the people that trade in naked women wrestling, who can you trust?

In other ridiculous news involving bimbos, Kristy Swanson was recently invited to tour the CIA facilities and have a sit-down with the organization. The visit hopes to smooth over relations between Hollywood and the government agency, as the CIA doesn't appreciate the negative way they are portrayed in movies and television. WHAT????

If I'd known Kristy Swanson had connections to the CIA, I wouldn't have been such a snot to her on the set of "Early Edition." You remember that show, right? No? It filmed in Chicago. OK, how about "Forbidden Secrets?" It aired on USA. Jeez! OK, what about her star-making turn as "Christie Boner" from the hit film "Dude, Where's my Car?" Uh-oh. Well, of course you heard about when Swanson's current boyfriend Lloyd Eisler's wife kicked her ass in Canada? I suppose forging relations with a C-list celebrity with an assault charge is cool with our government, as long as she was booked in a different country.

Wise choice, CIA. If you think Kristy Swanson has any influence in Hollywood, I'm even more concerned about your ability to obtain and analyze information about foreign governments and corporations, and then ADVISE public policymakers based on that information; or whatever it is you actually do.

This entry was created at my own risk. I'm now on a list somewhere.

Oh, Ladies

My new distraction is watching marathons of the Showtime series "Weeds." As soon as it arrives via Netflix in my mailbox, I hunker down with plenty of gummy bear-ish sustenance and turn off my phone. It's fantastic. I'm addicted. Now, don't get all excited and tighten your shoulders in anticipation, this entry will not be a critique of the show, much as I'm sure you're drooling to hear what I think. It is a comment of something that has bothered me for years: being a super sassy female only works on TV.

Like most normal people, I gleaned a lot of my perceptions on life from watching television. My favorite female characters have always been the strong, willful, funny and spunky types. I decided at a very young age that acting like that suited me the best, and over the years of practice my personality developed into just that, for better or worse. (I have plenty of negative traits, but we'll focus on those at a later date. I'll probably be drunk, and you'll have to tell me I'm crazy and list the reasons why I'm awesome. I won't believe you, but I'll keep passive aggressively asking for compliments. It's gonna be fun)

In "Weeds," Mary Louise Parker joins the ranks of these fearless female characters. Just this past Sunday I watched her fire sassy comments left and right, and every guy ate it up. She pushed them away and they came running back for more. When it hit me, I sat straight up in my bed like a shot, my brain screaming, "Wait a minute! It doesn't work that way! Men don't respond to that positively! They hate it!" Because when you boil it down, she's just being a bitch. A clever bitch, but a bitch nonetheless.

We must save the young girls of today! There's a new generation of bitches being cultivated in front of the TV this very moment! It's too late for me, but save the little ones! While you're doing that, I'll be watching my favorite new show.

Lucky Girl

I have an amazing mother. She does all the classic things we expect mothers to do: bake treats, proofread papers, sew buttons, etc. But that's just the tip of the iceberg.

It came to my attention recently that something else she does is directly linked to my high self-esteem. In addition to being super supportive and giving feedback on various normal things,
she compliments me for nothing. For example:

Me: "Hey, the sun just came out."

Mother: "Good eye."

This exchanged actually happened last weekend. Now, we all know it doesn't take a Mensa member to see the difference between sun and no sun. But for that moment, I've really done something wonderful. It took me thirty years to actually hear her do that, but since that second of realization, I hear it all the time. And I love it. There's not one conversation we have where she doesn't say "good job." I'm very lucky.

Good job, Mom.