Oh, Ladies

My new distraction is watching marathons of the Showtime series "Weeds." As soon as it arrives via Netflix in my mailbox, I hunker down with plenty of gummy bear-ish sustenance and turn off my phone. It's fantastic. I'm addicted. Now, don't get all excited and tighten your shoulders in anticipation, this entry will not be a critique of the show, much as I'm sure you're drooling to hear what I think. It is a comment of something that has bothered me for years: being a super sassy female only works on TV.

Like most normal people, I gleaned a lot of my perceptions on life from watching television. My favorite female characters have always been the strong, willful, funny and spunky types. I decided at a very young age that acting like that suited me the best, and over the years of practice my personality developed into just that, for better or worse. (I have plenty of negative traits, but we'll focus on those at a later date. I'll probably be drunk, and you'll have to tell me I'm crazy and list the reasons why I'm awesome. I won't believe you, but I'll keep passive aggressively asking for compliments. It's gonna be fun)

In "Weeds," Mary Louise Parker joins the ranks of these fearless female characters. Just this past Sunday I watched her fire sassy comments left and right, and every guy ate it up. She pushed them away and they came running back for more. When it hit me, I sat straight up in my bed like a shot, my brain screaming, "Wait a minute! It doesn't work that way! Men don't respond to that positively! They hate it!" Because when you boil it down, she's just being a bitch. A clever bitch, but a bitch nonetheless.

We must save the young girls of today! There's a new generation of bitches being cultivated in front of the TV this very moment! It's too late for me, but save the little ones! While you're doing that, I'll be watching my favorite new show.