Dear Clueless Male Bar Patron,
That female bartender is not in love with you!
Now, I know it's been said a million times, but I'm going to lay it out here, because apparently it hasn't reached the correct channels. Or maybe you've heard it, but can't possibly believe it applies to you. Trust me, sir. It does.
I'm not being mean. Just honest. The following holds true for any venue where drinks are served by chicks. In this case, I am said chick.
We are not on a date. I didn't agree to come here with you because I'm interested in where the evening might take us. I was already here when you walked in the door. Doing my job. Don't be fooled by the candlelight and music. I do this for everybody.
I understand your confusion. I am giving mixed signals. Keep this in mind: I have to smile at you and try to genuinely laugh while I try to think of a neutral response to your gay-ass inappropriate joke. Look closely for the strain around my eyes. See that?
Oh no! For God's sake, did you just wink? Don't do that! Under any circumstances! Your eye doesn't really want to do it. Feel the uncomfortable tug when just one shuts? That's your eye trying to subtly tell you not to be a douchebag. Listen to your body!
Please just let me get my shit done, because other people that aren't annoying me need their martini. Believe it or not, standing here with one hand on my hip is not a flirting stance, I'm poised to escape to the urgent conversation the waitress and I will pretend to have at the end of the bar.
And don't be upset when my shift is over and I don't stay to have a drink with you. We've just spent a minimum of four hours together much to my vexation. That wonderfully huge tip you left doesn't buy my time after I walk out from behind the bar. But it does help me justify this job that helps me maintain while I pursue an alternative career. That's right! This isn't all I do! No, I don't want to talk about it. And no, you can't have it back. Sucka!
Never yours,
Sarah
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3 comments:
Dear Hot Bartendress,
I'm so confused! You seemed to really be digging my jokes, especially the more you got know me. No way it was just the beer, I can tell. I'm funnier after the 5th or 6th beer anyway. I gots to get loose, y'know? I didn't even grope you, and let me tell you, that was hard because your ass was pretty frigging great. That was a compliment, by the way. Look I know you're just doing this job to snag a guy, and alls I'm saying is I'm a trader, have a kick-ass ride, and will buy you anything you want. Think of that generous tip as just the beginning. We probably should find out soon if we're 'compatible' if you know what I mean -- like maybe tonight? My condo? I promise not to make you bring me a beer from the fridge.
Seriously, I need to signup for the DARE Program right now!
Me <3 You Long Time haha,
Clueless Male BP
P.S. Have you seen my car yet?
Yeah! You tell those losers...you only have eyes for the guys you work with!
Forever yours
Fred
WTF did you do that for?? thanks for torching a small piece of my life. there are things people hold on to, sarah, they're called "dreams"-ever heard of them? Reality TV, Powerball Lottery, A Low Carb Lifestyle. you dont have to destroy what little we have. And while im starting to realize now i may never be a Superbowl quarterback, or even an NFL quarterback, maybe; there are still stars that i feel are within my reach. SOMEONE has to become an instant millionare. SOMEONE has to have sex with that stripper. your post may have been fueled with good intentions, but its advice surely not taken. whats next, sarah, youre going to tell us that the worlds biggest religon based on a virgin getting pregnant by a "Miricle of God" is really a scam initiated by the Catholic Church in the 6th century as a means of wealth collection through scare tatics, brainwash, and strong arming? HA!! just try it. let us small people have small thoughts, we would appreciate it if you and your honesty stayed out of it.
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