Nuthouse

This past week, I encountered the craziest people on this ship. Apparently they're offering a package for nutjobs, because they're all here.

Take for instance, this person:



Your eyes do not deceive you: this is a grown woman hula hooping her crazy heart out on the pool deck. For hours. Please note the bathing suit and braids. She is really showing off, strutting her stuff all around the pool, making sure everybody sees her. I really can't tell if she's insane or just on vacation.

I found a new special spot for me to hide out and chill. I've been really desperate for some new things to look at, and I found it on deck 7, the Promenade. I sit in a comfy padded deck chair with my Guatemalan coffee and read chicklit between sending emails on my blackberry. I'm so fortunate because I can send and receive emails at no extra cost. Thank God! I’d freak out if I couldn’t send a random thought to someone and get an immediate response. It would be so alienating! Emailing has become my new texting.

I've learned a valuable lesson about alone time. In order to dissuade anyone from intruding it's important to remove any surrounding chairs. I failed to do that yesterday, and I'll never make that mistake again. So, I'm sitting there, my nose buried in a book, and I hear "You look lonely. Mind if I join you?" Gross. So I look up at the dude that has wandered into my zone and said, very sweetly, "I'm not lonely, but you're welcome to sit there." He immediately goes, "Fine, never mind, jeez, whatever," all petulantly as if I had responded with, "no Fuckface. Why don’t you take your stupid line and shove it up your ass?" Thankfully, as he was saying it, he was practically running away so I didn't have to pretend to be all, "hey, no, don't be like that." Really, guy? I wonder what makes a person act like that. But I love ‘em when they’re walking away, so I chased after him and we made out fiercely.

That last part is not true.

Look, I know how I sound. But it can be really exhausting to be a woman; you’re constantly thwarting weird, unwanted advances. Or maybe I just attract the weird ones. That is a real possibility. I guess it would be worse if no one were interested.

The best crazy people are the old ones. Nic and I had a conversation in the ship’s diner with an older Alabaman couple. It started innocently enough with them describing all the cruises they’ve been on and somehow devolved into them saying some downright racist things about Katrina and New Orleans as Nic and I sat slack jawed. What do they care? They’re old. My favorite old person? The guy that belted out “Jesus Christ, this fucking ship!” in response to the fact that the hallway he wanted to walk down was roped off for maintenance.

But really, he had a point.

Retrospective

I'd like to take this opportunity to share with you some choice pictures from my blackberry. Some of them are a bit grainy. What do you expect? It's a phone! And my calendar. And access to the internet. Plus it stores all my contacts, organizes tasks, is my main alarm clock, and a myriad of other things. Dammit, blackberry! You're magical. Why don't you take better pictures?

These were all taken in 2008. Since it's February of 2009, it seems like a good time to close the book on last year.



This pic was taken in Chicago from the car I was sitting in waiting for the light to change. Please note the creepy guy staring at the poor woman as she tries to ignore him. Ah, the city. We're all one step away from being attacked.




This pic was taken in Bar Harbor, Maine. Natalie and I had the night off together, so we had cocktails at the water's edge. I love champagne, strawberries, and the fact that I'm lucky enough to afford this luxury. As I travel the world, it becomes more apparent how fortunate we are. I don't want to take any happiness for granted.




Relaxing on the grass in the square in Bar Harbor




I'm pretty sure I took this in Maine. I just love foggy days. They're so romantic. Plus I don't feel guilty if I don't really get outside. Sometimes I feel forced to enjoy the day as hard as possible when it's sunny. Overcast days give me a break.



AVP on Hermosa Beach, CA in June. I'll take this sunny day: lots of hot guys in swimsuits knocking a ball around.




Took this in LA. Can you see the guy balancing his kid on his head? It was nuts!



This note was slipped under my friend's apartment door. Feel free to call this douchebag's number and give him a hard time.




Can you tell that's my face in that cutout? It's not Michelle Monaghan's. I know, we are very similar. I don't know what's worse: starring in a stupid movie or marrying an idiot. Here's hoping I avoid both in real life.




From the set of Public Enemies, shot in Chicago in front of The Biograph theater in my 'hood. Alas, Christian Bale wasn't there. They were choreographing the scene in which Dillinger is shot. It was below freezing in May. Michael Mann was screaming at everyone. OK, that last part isn't true. Rumor has it he was a real piece of work, but I don't want to get slapped with a defamation suit.




Boynton Canyon in Sedona, AZ. It has a reputation as a site of a New Age "vortex" - a sort of energy field emanating from inner earth. Not sure if I subscribe to this bit of modern mysticism, but I did realize there that I spend too much time hating people I don't know. That epiphany has served me pretty well since. Beyond that, it's an amazing hike and a nice place to sit and think.




My favorite view from the NCL Spirit. Santo Tomas de Castilla, Guatemala.




After an incredible storm in Chicago. The city was torn apart! This is just one image from my street. Poor guy. Hope he had insurance.




Navy Pier. Taken from Chicago Shakespeare Theater in November '08. I miss you and hate you and love you, Chicago!

Crazy

You know that weird feeling when it's like you're outside your body looking in? It doesn't happen too often, but it's so jarring when it does. It's in that moment when you become totally self-aware. I wonder why that happens. Then the questions come flooding in. Who am I? What am I doing here? Why are we alive? It's exhausting.

I'm not suggesting that I'm super deep. It just recently happened and I wasn't too impressed with my answers.

Yikes

Let me set the mood here:

Right now I'm sitting in one of the ship's lounges while a poor man's version of the Academy Award winning song from "Flashdance" is pumping through the speakers. You know it: it's "What a Feeling." Great song, right? Normally.

The original was performed by Irene Cara. This version, is not. This version, is a huge mistake. When it first started I was sure that the painful warbling was due to some karaoke that had just started. Nope. I'm not sure why they insist on choosing the lesser versions of killer songs to play on the ship. I need answers!

I read Women's Health only to confirm the naughty things I indulge in are OK. For instance, in this last issue they reiterated that a glass of red wine per day does indeed help your heart and contains antioxidants and fiber. I'm waiting for the issue when they bump that number up to 3 per day. Keep your fingers crossed! Also, did you know you should eat 1.5 delicious dark Hershey's kisses per day to reduce the signs of heart disease? Get on it.

Vanity

I've been exercising a lot on the ship. There's really no excuse not to, since there's nothing but time. I haven't really noticed any significant results, because there's also plenty of time to be decadent. So, I guess the good news is I haven't gotten any fatter.

The major challenge of exercising on a ship is trying not to fall over. When the waves are particularly rough, we get tossed around all over the place. Lunges prove to be pretty difficult, and the incline on the treadmill can change instantly. I think a by-product of all this is that I've developed a pretty strong core trying to keep my balance. Ew. Listen to me. Core.

Speaking of decadence, I just have to tell you what my sister did. It happened 2 months ago and still makes me laugh. I was home in Michigan visiting my family. I had almost drifted off to sleep when my phone rang. It was my sis, calling me from down the hall to ask me a question. She didn't feel like getting out of bed. I think it's safe to say that we have arrived as a human race.

Brrr....

Chicago is experiencing its coldest weather in eight years!! Sounds like I picked the perfect time to get out of Dodge. It's been raining all week in the Gulf of Mexico. Good thing I didn't pay for this cruise. I'd be pissed!!!

We port in New Orleans every week. It's been a real novelty, running around the French Quarter, eating begnets at Cafe Du Monde, drinking absinthe in the middle of the afternoon. What's that, you ask? Absinthe? Yup. It's delicious, and makes me crazy. I can't believe I didn't get hit by a car on my "walk" back to the boat. I took a picture of it because I am a huge nerd and have to document everything. Who knows? Maybe I'll develop amnesia and these pictures will come in handy as I try to put the pieces of my life back together. Or maybe YOU will, and you'll be super grateful to me for taking so many pictures. You're welcome.



My first good friend that I made on the ship left on Sunday. It sucks. This stupid boat can be a real trap since there's no escape unless I decide to take a swan dive. No thanks. And since there's not anything new to see, everyplace is a haven for memories. Gross. So, I guess the trick is to not get close to anyone. What could possibly go wrong with this plan?

You Know You Want Him

Oh boy, you guys. The best thing in the world has happened on this ship.

Someone taped up the picture below on their cabin door the week of Christmas. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. Cut to me standing outside their door trying to get a snapshot of it through tears of joy.

I call it "Sexy Christmas Horse." Enjoy.