It's 5:00 AM!

I can't ever sleep. No wonder I'm so exhausted and impatient all the time. Sorry for all the times I've pretended to be listening. It happens alot. Assume I've done it to you at least 4 times, and increase that estimate if I see you often.

The following are things that keep me up at night:

How do celebrities decide to be friends? There are some weird combos out there. I know this because I read US Weekly religiously. Tom Hanks and Bruce Springsteen! Did you know that? They recently vacationed together in The Caribbean. I looked it up, and apparently they've been friends "since youth." Sorry I don't have more info, I lost interest. How about Gweneth Paltrow and Madonna? That's better known. What's the deal? They get together and talk about being married to sexy Brits? The pitfalls of being ex-patriots? How the macrobiotic diet makes them gassy? And c'mon: the ink is still dry on the contractual Katie Holmes-Victoria Beckham "friendship." It's really none of my business, but I just feel like I know them, you know? Like we're bonded forever because I read Rachel McAdams likes gouda. I like gouda! I'm sitting outside Mark-Paul Gosselaar's house right now. He should be due for his morning run in about 8 minutes. I'm gonna follow him and gather sweat drippings for the DNA clone I'm making of him.

I was recently sitting in a car downtown waiting for someone, and to pass the time I started singing The Star Spangled Banner to the tune of Amazing Grace. Ever tried to sing the notes of one song with the lyrics of another? It's super hard. For me, it's easy to remember the tune, but hard to remember the words. You try it. I'm curious to hear which is more challenging for you to remember, the tune or the words. I think it's a good mental challenge, like patting your tummy while rubbing your head. My personal record for that nonsense is 7 seconds.

I don't know what kind of mom I'm gonna be, but I'm gonna try my damnest to not be condescending or pushy. I've recently started seeing these parents that don't seem to know what the hell they're doing, to the detriment of the kid.

I've noticed the skittish parents tend to ask alot of questions. "What do you want? Milk or Sprite? Billy? Billy? Billy! Listen to Mommy... what do you want? Milk? Sprite? Billy!" Where's the line between respecting your child's desires and being a push-over? When did the kids become the ones in charge?

One example includes a soccer mom sitting behind me on the train home to Michigan: she was answering the sweet innocent questions her child was asking like the kid was actually some aero-physicist and why is he wasting her time asking what my DVD player is. I know kids can be annoying, but guess what lady? That's your fucking job now. Do it well. All the while some other hellions tore up and down the aisles, throwing wadded up pieces of paper at people. Seriously? If I did that as a kid - wait - I DIDN'T do that as a kid because I had attentive (and terrifying) parents.

I don't remember being granted the leisure of deciding between drinks at dinner. I drank what they put in front of me. I also respected adults and their space, did my homework and was kind to other kids, all to their credit. Now, I know kids don't come with a manual and it must be terrifying to be a parent. But I really believe if you treat your kids with simple kindness, intelligence and boundaries, they will develop into a pretty cool adult. Bottom line, I hope I don't become one of those parents that talks to their kid like some kind of asshole. How embarrassing.

Speaking of bad parents, how about that kid that shot up Virginia Tech? I've seen the word "bloodbath" used to describe the killings in major publications. Is that appropriate? It seems like a gratuitous word. It sounds like it belongs in the trailer for its inevitable movie, not on CNN.com.

If I was I Virginia resident I would vote for Gov. Tome Kaine next term. He responded to people complaining Virginia Tech should've locked down campus after the first burst of gunfire by warning them against making snap judgements. He said he had "nothing but contempt" for those who might take the tragedy and "make it their political hobby horse to ride." Amen. I like his candor. I also like that he's covering his ass.

There's nothing I hate more than self-righteous people that pontificate on what "should" have happened. It's on par with the football fan that get pissed at the TV and insist they wouldn't have chosen that play when the quarterback gets sacked. Really Coach? What are doing on this couch? Get that pizza off your chest and get to those sidelines, you're late!

I know nothing about football.

The city's waking up and the Cosby show is on. Let's see what Theo's up to.