Dear Numbnut who stole my wallet:
Enjoy your cancelled credit cards and 8 dollars.
Congrats on another failure. Your parents are proud.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Beep!!!
I'm gonna start carrying around rocks with me so I can hurl them through the rear windows of the cars of asshole drivers.
Today I saw a guy turning left from the center lane on a red light, then flipped off the people who were trying to go straight on their green light. Wouldn't it just blow his mind if a rock came barrelling through his back window?? It would be totally justified.
That settles it. I shall now become the dark angel of jerk drivers. I'm really excited about this.
Today I saw a guy turning left from the center lane on a red light, then flipped off the people who were trying to go straight on their green light. Wouldn't it just blow his mind if a rock came barrelling through his back window?? It would be totally justified.
That settles it. I shall now become the dark angel of jerk drivers. I'm really excited about this.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Daffy
I have two favorite quotes.
Sidebar before I go on: is it possible to have two favorites in the same category? I questioned that as I typed it, and my answer is: yes. Because I said so. To the sticklers who might focus on that: Shhhhh. Can I be excused? "I don't know, CAN you?" Get a life. Now, I say this to remind myself not to be that person. Man, I'm pretty sure I'm going to be a cranky bitch in my old age like everybody else, despite all my efforts to be otherwise.
Now that we've had that talk, my two favorite quotes are as follows:
"Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction."
- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
and
"The person who waits for a roast duck to fly into their mouth must wait for a very long time."
- Chinese proverb
I respond to the first simply because it epitomizes the way I try to love. I like the idea of being on a team with someone. To be in love, but still get your shit done. It's nice to have some validation, even if it's from the dude that wrote "The Little Prince."
I like the second because it reminds me that I gotta work hard and make my own magic. Laziness is so attractive. I love couches and TVs, but sitting there indulging isn't going to make me successful. So, I've preheated and now it's time to cook that duck.
I'm super hungry.
Sidebar before I go on: is it possible to have two favorites in the same category? I questioned that as I typed it, and my answer is: yes. Because I said so. To the sticklers who might focus on that: Shhhhh. Can I be excused? "I don't know, CAN you?" Get a life. Now, I say this to remind myself not to be that person. Man, I'm pretty sure I'm going to be a cranky bitch in my old age like everybody else, despite all my efforts to be otherwise.
Now that we've had that talk, my two favorite quotes are as follows:
"Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction."
- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
and
"The person who waits for a roast duck to fly into their mouth must wait for a very long time."
- Chinese proverb
I respond to the first simply because it epitomizes the way I try to love. I like the idea of being on a team with someone. To be in love, but still get your shit done. It's nice to have some validation, even if it's from the dude that wrote "The Little Prince."
I like the second because it reminds me that I gotta work hard and make my own magic. Laziness is so attractive. I love couches and TVs, but sitting there indulging isn't going to make me successful. So, I've preheated and now it's time to cook that duck.
I'm super hungry.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Dental Insurance
I'm a fan of a certain young lady: she's the star of the Rosewood Dental commercials that air in the Chicagoland area. The script goes like this:
"I was unhappy with the appearance of my teeth. But Rosewood Dental brought my smile back and it didn't hurt a bit."
Now, I see that commercial at least twice a day. I'm not sick of it yet. In fact, my heart skips a beat when it comes on, because then I get to say the words along with her. I'm along for the ride! I give her alot of credit, she did as much as possible with that line. I can just imagine her dissecting the script the night before the shoot. It's a mini-drama... At first she hated how she looked in the mirror. She'd keep her mouth shut during debates and wouldn't smile for pictures. Then Rosewood Dental came along, fixed her jacked up smile AND it didn't hurt! Not one bit! Whew. In her interpretation, that 7 seconds of story has exposition, a dramatic climax, and a denoument. It's a play for people on the go. So nice work, Girl. That's the good news.
The bad news is: I'm positive she got a shitty buyout for an unlimited amount of time. I fear she's being overexposed in a crap commercial and getting 500 bucks for it. I hope I'm wrong. But I'm not.
I appeal to your sense of justice! Let's get this girl some more money! Who's with me? Somebody do something about this before I lose interest!
"I was unhappy with the appearance of my teeth. But Rosewood Dental brought my smile back and it didn't hurt a bit."
Now, I see that commercial at least twice a day. I'm not sick of it yet. In fact, my heart skips a beat when it comes on, because then I get to say the words along with her. I'm along for the ride! I give her alot of credit, she did as much as possible with that line. I can just imagine her dissecting the script the night before the shoot. It's a mini-drama... At first she hated how she looked in the mirror. She'd keep her mouth shut during debates and wouldn't smile for pictures. Then Rosewood Dental came along, fixed her jacked up smile AND it didn't hurt! Not one bit! Whew. In her interpretation, that 7 seconds of story has exposition, a dramatic climax, and a denoument. It's a play for people on the go. So nice work, Girl. That's the good news.
The bad news is: I'm positive she got a shitty buyout for an unlimited amount of time. I fear she's being overexposed in a crap commercial and getting 500 bucks for it. I hope I'm wrong. But I'm not.
I appeal to your sense of justice! Let's get this girl some more money! Who's with me? Somebody do something about this before I lose interest!
Monday, April 23, 2007
Classic
On my walk to the gym today I nearly slipped on a banana on the sidewalk! There it was, all mushy and glistening, begging for me to wipe out on it. I avoided an embarrassing moment, but I'm kind of disappointed, because I missed out on one of the most classic comedic bits.
It reminded me of my favorite joke from my musical-nerd childhood:
- How is a banana peel on the sidewalk like music?
- If you don't C sharp, you'll B flat.
Ha Ha! That slayed me as a kid! Good stuff.
It reminded me of my favorite joke from my musical-nerd childhood:
- How is a banana peel on the sidewalk like music?
- If you don't C sharp, you'll B flat.
Ha Ha! That slayed me as a kid! Good stuff.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
It's 5:00 AM!
I can't ever sleep. No wonder I'm so exhausted and impatient all the time. Sorry for all the times I've pretended to be listening. It happens alot. Assume I've done it to you at least 4 times, and increase that estimate if I see you often.
The following are things that keep me up at night:
How do celebrities decide to be friends? There are some weird combos out there. I know this because I read US Weekly religiously. Tom Hanks and Bruce Springsteen! Did you know that? They recently vacationed together in The Caribbean. I looked it up, and apparently they've been friends "since youth." Sorry I don't have more info, I lost interest. How about Gweneth Paltrow and Madonna? That's better known. What's the deal? They get together and talk about being married to sexy Brits? The pitfalls of being ex-patriots? How the macrobiotic diet makes them gassy? And c'mon: the ink is still dry on the contractual Katie Holmes-Victoria Beckham "friendship." It's really none of my business, but I just feel like I know them, you know? Like we're bonded forever because I read Rachel McAdams likes gouda. I like gouda! I'm sitting outside Mark-Paul Gosselaar's house right now. He should be due for his morning run in about 8 minutes. I'm gonna follow him and gather sweat drippings for the DNA clone I'm making of him.
I was recently sitting in a car downtown waiting for someone, and to pass the time I started singing The Star Spangled Banner to the tune of Amazing Grace. Ever tried to sing the notes of one song with the lyrics of another? It's super hard. For me, it's easy to remember the tune, but hard to remember the words. You try it. I'm curious to hear which is more challenging for you to remember, the tune or the words. I think it's a good mental challenge, like patting your tummy while rubbing your head. My personal record for that nonsense is 7 seconds.
I don't know what kind of mom I'm gonna be, but I'm gonna try my damnest to not be condescending or pushy. I've recently started seeing these parents that don't seem to know what the hell they're doing, to the detriment of the kid.
I've noticed the skittish parents tend to ask alot of questions. "What do you want? Milk or Sprite? Billy? Billy? Billy! Listen to Mommy... what do you want? Milk? Sprite? Billy!" Where's the line between respecting your child's desires and being a push-over? When did the kids become the ones in charge?
One example includes a soccer mom sitting behind me on the train home to Michigan: she was answering the sweet innocent questions her child was asking like the kid was actually some aero-physicist and why is he wasting her time asking what my DVD player is. I know kids can be annoying, but guess what lady? That's your fucking job now. Do it well. All the while some other hellions tore up and down the aisles, throwing wadded up pieces of paper at people. Seriously? If I did that as a kid - wait - I DIDN'T do that as a kid because I had attentive (and terrifying) parents.
I don't remember being granted the leisure of deciding between drinks at dinner. I drank what they put in front of me. I also respected adults and their space, did my homework and was kind to other kids, all to their credit. Now, I know kids don't come with a manual and it must be terrifying to be a parent. But I really believe if you treat your kids with simple kindness, intelligence and boundaries, they will develop into a pretty cool adult. Bottom line, I hope I don't become one of those parents that talks to their kid like some kind of asshole. How embarrassing.
Speaking of bad parents, how about that kid that shot up Virginia Tech? I've seen the word "bloodbath" used to describe the killings in major publications. Is that appropriate? It seems like a gratuitous word. It sounds like it belongs in the trailer for its inevitable movie, not on CNN.com.
If I was I Virginia resident I would vote for Gov. Tome Kaine next term. He responded to people complaining Virginia Tech should've locked down campus after the first burst of gunfire by warning them against making snap judgements. He said he had "nothing but contempt" for those who might take the tragedy and "make it their political hobby horse to ride." Amen. I like his candor. I also like that he's covering his ass.
There's nothing I hate more than self-righteous people that pontificate on what "should" have happened. It's on par with the football fan that get pissed at the TV and insist they wouldn't have chosen that play when the quarterback gets sacked. Really Coach? What are doing on this couch? Get that pizza off your chest and get to those sidelines, you're late!
I know nothing about football.
The city's waking up and the Cosby show is on. Let's see what Theo's up to.
The following are things that keep me up at night:
How do celebrities decide to be friends? There are some weird combos out there. I know this because I read US Weekly religiously. Tom Hanks and Bruce Springsteen! Did you know that? They recently vacationed together in The Caribbean. I looked it up, and apparently they've been friends "since youth." Sorry I don't have more info, I lost interest. How about Gweneth Paltrow and Madonna? That's better known. What's the deal? They get together and talk about being married to sexy Brits? The pitfalls of being ex-patriots? How the macrobiotic diet makes them gassy? And c'mon: the ink is still dry on the contractual Katie Holmes-Victoria Beckham "friendship." It's really none of my business, but I just feel like I know them, you know? Like we're bonded forever because I read Rachel McAdams likes gouda. I like gouda! I'm sitting outside Mark-Paul Gosselaar's house right now. He should be due for his morning run in about 8 minutes. I'm gonna follow him and gather sweat drippings for the DNA clone I'm making of him.
I was recently sitting in a car downtown waiting for someone, and to pass the time I started singing The Star Spangled Banner to the tune of Amazing Grace. Ever tried to sing the notes of one song with the lyrics of another? It's super hard. For me, it's easy to remember the tune, but hard to remember the words. You try it. I'm curious to hear which is more challenging for you to remember, the tune or the words. I think it's a good mental challenge, like patting your tummy while rubbing your head. My personal record for that nonsense is 7 seconds.
I don't know what kind of mom I'm gonna be, but I'm gonna try my damnest to not be condescending or pushy. I've recently started seeing these parents that don't seem to know what the hell they're doing, to the detriment of the kid.
I've noticed the skittish parents tend to ask alot of questions. "What do you want? Milk or Sprite? Billy? Billy? Billy! Listen to Mommy... what do you want? Milk? Sprite? Billy!" Where's the line between respecting your child's desires and being a push-over? When did the kids become the ones in charge?
One example includes a soccer mom sitting behind me on the train home to Michigan: she was answering the sweet innocent questions her child was asking like the kid was actually some aero-physicist and why is he wasting her time asking what my DVD player is. I know kids can be annoying, but guess what lady? That's your fucking job now. Do it well. All the while some other hellions tore up and down the aisles, throwing wadded up pieces of paper at people. Seriously? If I did that as a kid - wait - I DIDN'T do that as a kid because I had attentive (and terrifying) parents.
I don't remember being granted the leisure of deciding between drinks at dinner. I drank what they put in front of me. I also respected adults and their space, did my homework and was kind to other kids, all to their credit. Now, I know kids don't come with a manual and it must be terrifying to be a parent. But I really believe if you treat your kids with simple kindness, intelligence and boundaries, they will develop into a pretty cool adult. Bottom line, I hope I don't become one of those parents that talks to their kid like some kind of asshole. How embarrassing.
Speaking of bad parents, how about that kid that shot up Virginia Tech? I've seen the word "bloodbath" used to describe the killings in major publications. Is that appropriate? It seems like a gratuitous word. It sounds like it belongs in the trailer for its inevitable movie, not on CNN.com.
If I was I Virginia resident I would vote for Gov. Tome Kaine next term. He responded to people complaining Virginia Tech should've locked down campus after the first burst of gunfire by warning them against making snap judgements. He said he had "nothing but contempt" for those who might take the tragedy and "make it their political hobby horse to ride." Amen. I like his candor. I also like that he's covering his ass.
There's nothing I hate more than self-righteous people that pontificate on what "should" have happened. It's on par with the football fan that get pissed at the TV and insist they wouldn't have chosen that play when the quarterback gets sacked. Really Coach? What are doing on this couch? Get that pizza off your chest and get to those sidelines, you're late!
I know nothing about football.
The city's waking up and the Cosby show is on. Let's see what Theo's up to.
Monday, April 9, 2007
Brother, Can You Spare a Dime
There is an enormous wealth of talent in Chicago. Actors, musicians, artists, improvisors, etc... If you're lucky you can make a living at it. One of the things I love about living in a large city is that everywhere you turn is an opportunity to be entertained.
If you don't like paying for your entertainment, I recommend the musicians that camp out at El stops. Some of the most talented people I've ever heard sing and play have been at the Grand and State stop on the red line. One woman had the most gorgeous gospel pipes I have ever heard. Last week 2 guys played and sang an awesome rendition of Sam Cooke's "Wonderful World" - you know it: "don't know much about history... don't know much biology..." These people should be selling tickets for major money instead of accepting dimes, buttons and paper clips in their guitar cases from stupid CTA passengers and having to stop their songs because the rumbling of the approaching train is too loud. Who knew that under their dirty clothes and saggy demeanor hides a raw talent more impressive than those EMI artists could ever hope to have?
Every so often, I'm bowled over by a performance. It doesn't happen frequently, but when it does, it's the most powerful thing to experience. As I'm sure you can tell by that last statement I've had a pretty uneventful life; I'm hoping having a child or pledging a lifelong commitment to a guy will be impressive, but we'll see.
For those who don't mind forking over a few bones for some Friday night entertainment, read on. Most recently, I've discovered The Improvised Shakespeare Company at iO Chicago. They take an audience suggestion for a title of a never-produced Shakespearean play and from that create a 90 minute long-form improvised romp. These guys are so smart! They intimidate me as a performer. I can only pray I'll be that good one day. And, it's hilarious. I can count on both hands the amount of times in my life I've laughed so hard I cried. This show is responsible for at least 3. Any improv group that can work in an impromptu shout-out to He-Man using iambic dialogue is OK with me. Wow, I'm a nerd. I'm a groupie for Shakespearean improv. Check it out if you can: http://www.myspace.com/improvisedshakespeare
Speaking of making a living as an actor, I just shot a national commercial for KFC. Here's hoping they air the hell out of it. Then I can buy those boobs I've always wanted.
Eat it, enemies from my past and present! I'm on TV!
If you don't like paying for your entertainment, I recommend the musicians that camp out at El stops. Some of the most talented people I've ever heard sing and play have been at the Grand and State stop on the red line. One woman had the most gorgeous gospel pipes I have ever heard. Last week 2 guys played and sang an awesome rendition of Sam Cooke's "Wonderful World" - you know it: "don't know much about history... don't know much biology..." These people should be selling tickets for major money instead of accepting dimes, buttons and paper clips in their guitar cases from stupid CTA passengers and having to stop their songs because the rumbling of the approaching train is too loud. Who knew that under their dirty clothes and saggy demeanor hides a raw talent more impressive than those EMI artists could ever hope to have?
Every so often, I'm bowled over by a performance. It doesn't happen frequently, but when it does, it's the most powerful thing to experience. As I'm sure you can tell by that last statement I've had a pretty uneventful life; I'm hoping having a child or pledging a lifelong commitment to a guy will be impressive, but we'll see.
For those who don't mind forking over a few bones for some Friday night entertainment, read on. Most recently, I've discovered The Improvised Shakespeare Company at iO Chicago. They take an audience suggestion for a title of a never-produced Shakespearean play and from that create a 90 minute long-form improvised romp. These guys are so smart! They intimidate me as a performer. I can only pray I'll be that good one day. And, it's hilarious. I can count on both hands the amount of times in my life I've laughed so hard I cried. This show is responsible for at least 3. Any improv group that can work in an impromptu shout-out to He-Man using iambic dialogue is OK with me. Wow, I'm a nerd. I'm a groupie for Shakespearean improv. Check it out if you can: http://www.myspace.com/improvisedshakespeare
Speaking of making a living as an actor, I just shot a national commercial for KFC. Here's hoping they air the hell out of it. Then I can buy those boobs I've always wanted.
Eat it, enemies from my past and present! I'm on TV!
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