It's so hot in Bermuda today, I'm sweating from too much sitting around.

I have to laugh, because while writing this, I'm having a conversation over Facebook chat with the guy sitting across from me. Ah, modern flirtation. Gotta keep up.

And... for your viewing pleasure:




I call this: Naked in Public

Also...

Yet another of my ex-boyfriends is engaged.

I'm like Primer.

Careful, boys: primer is only necessary when the material has void spaces. Sure you want to adhere to that?

What the hell am I talking about? What a weirdo. Hmmm.... no wonder I'm single.

Me Bitching Again

As the designer of a cruise ship, I think the best placement of closet doors is where they can roll side to side and slam when the ship rocks. Did I mention I put them on wheels to ensure prime sliding? I should be murdered.

I'm in a weird place right now, literally and figuratively. On one hand, I'm really ready to get back to my life on land. On the other hand, I'm not sure what I'm going back to. A shitty economy? I've been so fortunate to be a working actor, I really don't want to go back to uncertainty. I guess I'll just do what I always do. Trust that it's going to work out. So far, so good.

The carpet in my cabin is so busy. Any time I drop something it takes me forever to find it. Everything blends into the pattern! I've just stopped looking for things. If I drop it, it's gone forever, like dropping it in molten lava. I hope the person who inhabits this cabin after me enjoys it all.

Man, I'm surly right now.

Well, since I'm on a roll...

Here's the problem with the auto-flush toilets: people assume it will always flush. Make sure!! Turn around and confirm that it's gone! I'm sick of walking into a stall and being greeted by your pee. This isn't England, for crying out loud! (I have no idea what that means. Some connection to the plague?) People are so gross.

Wait, butt...

We've discovered a new pastime on the ship: Judging Butts.

It's quite simple: Nic, Jamie and I sit in a high traffic area, and judge the butts of the people that walk by on a scale of 1 to 12. Why 12, you may be wondering? Well, one butt in particular deserved it. Really, you should've seen it. Yowza.

Admit it, you do it too. Maybe not as formally, but when someone walks away from you, you check out their butt. Next time you do it, assign a number to it. It's loads of fun.

False Advertising

When I was in NOLA this past weekend, I passed a sign that said:

AMBLING PROBLEM? CALL: 800-555-5555*

Upon further investigation, it actually said "Gambling Problem." The "G" was obscured by some shrubbery. I love the thought of having an ambling problem. Until there's a fire.


*fake number

Standards

I'm going through major dog withdrawal. I need to find a pet store soon and pet a pooch, or I don't know what I'll do. I miss my parents' dog, Max. He's a big dumb lovable yellow lab who wants nothing more that to play and snuggle. I sure could use some of that right now. In the meantime, I may adopt this adorable little monkey:



We really bonded.

What did people do on sea voyages before laptops and portable DVD players? Were people actually reading? The library on the ship is so desolate... which makes it the best place to hide. I just finished David Sedaris's "When You Are Engulfed in Flames," and picked up "Henry and June" by Anais Nin and "The Hours" by Michael Cunningham. Both of these books have been adapted to movies, so they must be good, right? That's my barometer. I'm so inspired to read because I've seen everything the ship plays on its TV channels at least 10 times. You see, they choose a handful of movies and TV shows every few months, and then play the shit out of them. I've seen enough "Ghost Town," "Mad Money," "Grey's Anatomy," and "Miley Cyrus, Live in Concert" to last my next 2 lifetimes. May I please take this opportunity to point out, if I wasn't trapped in the middle of the Gulf of Mexico, I would never have seen any of them. But here I am, so I watch them while choking back the vomit.

Speaking of, all the elevators have their own unique smell. If I was blindfolded and led through all 9 elevators, I would be able to tell you which one I was in simply based on the scent. For example, the left elevator in the middle of the ship smells like fish. Did somebody hide one behind the button panel? It's seriously rank, and I don't understand why it hasn't been investigated and rectified. The middle elevator at the front of the ship smells like old lady perfume. Always. I think it's haunted. When I get in it, I say, "hey! Old Lady! Get out of here! Go to the light! The riches of heaven await you!" She's not interested.

Compliance

I've been asked by several sources to write something new so they don't have to see a half-naked woman hula hooping every time they check this blog. So, here's a new pic:



The room stewards make animals out of towels sometimes. I love coming back to my room when there's a surprise waiting for me. In case you can't tell, that's a monkey. He has packets of creamer for eyes. Brilliant.