Yikes

Let me set the mood here:

Right now I'm sitting in one of the ship's lounges while a poor man's version of the Academy Award winning song from "Flashdance" is pumping through the speakers. You know it: it's "What a Feeling." Great song, right? Normally.

The original was performed by Irene Cara. This version, is not. This version, is a huge mistake. When it first started I was sure that the painful warbling was due to some karaoke that had just started. Nope. I'm not sure why they insist on choosing the lesser versions of killer songs to play on the ship. I need answers!

I read Women's Health only to confirm the naughty things I indulge in are OK. For instance, in this last issue they reiterated that a glass of red wine per day does indeed help your heart and contains antioxidants and fiber. I'm waiting for the issue when they bump that number up to 3 per day. Keep your fingers crossed! Also, did you know you should eat 1.5 delicious dark Hershey's kisses per day to reduce the signs of heart disease? Get on it.

Vanity

I've been exercising a lot on the ship. There's really no excuse not to, since there's nothing but time. I haven't really noticed any significant results, because there's also plenty of time to be decadent. So, I guess the good news is I haven't gotten any fatter.

The major challenge of exercising on a ship is trying not to fall over. When the waves are particularly rough, we get tossed around all over the place. Lunges prove to be pretty difficult, and the incline on the treadmill can change instantly. I think a by-product of all this is that I've developed a pretty strong core trying to keep my balance. Ew. Listen to me. Core.

Speaking of decadence, I just have to tell you what my sister did. It happened 2 months ago and still makes me laugh. I was home in Michigan visiting my family. I had almost drifted off to sleep when my phone rang. It was my sis, calling me from down the hall to ask me a question. She didn't feel like getting out of bed. I think it's safe to say that we have arrived as a human race.

Brrr....

Chicago is experiencing its coldest weather in eight years!! Sounds like I picked the perfect time to get out of Dodge. It's been raining all week in the Gulf of Mexico. Good thing I didn't pay for this cruise. I'd be pissed!!!

We port in New Orleans every week. It's been a real novelty, running around the French Quarter, eating begnets at Cafe Du Monde, drinking absinthe in the middle of the afternoon. What's that, you ask? Absinthe? Yup. It's delicious, and makes me crazy. I can't believe I didn't get hit by a car on my "walk" back to the boat. I took a picture of it because I am a huge nerd and have to document everything. Who knows? Maybe I'll develop amnesia and these pictures will come in handy as I try to put the pieces of my life back together. Or maybe YOU will, and you'll be super grateful to me for taking so many pictures. You're welcome.



My first good friend that I made on the ship left on Sunday. It sucks. This stupid boat can be a real trap since there's no escape unless I decide to take a swan dive. No thanks. And since there's not anything new to see, everyplace is a haven for memories. Gross. So, I guess the trick is to not get close to anyone. What could possibly go wrong with this plan?

You Know You Want Him

Oh boy, you guys. The best thing in the world has happened on this ship.

Someone taped up the picture below on their cabin door the week of Christmas. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. Cut to me standing outside their door trying to get a snapshot of it through tears of joy.

I call it "Sexy Christmas Horse." Enjoy.

Bullship

Blogging is going to be a challenge on the ship. I realize I used to take the internet for granted, Here, it's a treat! You're in luck if you can find a decent signal, and when you do, it's expensive! Wait, a second. Am I complaining??? Forgive me. I'll take a slow expensive internet connection over snow ANY DAY.

This experience is full of contradictions. Like, I live in sheer paradise, but I can't help finding things to bitch about. There are some creature comforts I miss.. like food. Especially:

Grilled cheese sandwiches
Chipotle
Microwave popcorn
Box macaroni and cheese

However, I can have steak and lobster, fresh fruit, decadent desserts, sushi, and all kinds of unique meals, for free. What's my problem? Come on, Sarah. Get it together. Chipotle is just tacos. You can actually get real ones in Mexico.

How sweet is this? A married couple approached me last week and handed me a bag. Inside was this adorable little painted bobble head snail (they're all the rage in Guatemala). They saw me laughing at it when we were in port, so they bought it for me. It's my first random gift from "fans." It made me realize that every week, almost 2000 people see our shows on Tuesday night, and the rest of the week, I'm recognizable... and trapped aboard a vessel in the middle of the sea with them. Weird.

I know, I know...

Yes, it's been awhile since my last post. I've been doing stuff.

The thing that stands out the most is that I'm writing this from a cruise ship. I'll be living on this thing for the next 4 months. The gods of Second City have made it possible to have a job at which I get to do some pretty darn funny shows a couple of hours a week with some truly great folks, and spend the rest of my time snorkeling and drinking out of pineapples. I'm feeling pretty grateful right about now.

Except for the fact that every time the door to the internet room opens, I'm hit with the sounds of a slightly off rendition of the best of Whitney Houston. All at once, I'm drifting on a lonely sea... me too, Whitney. Me too.

Naw, man. This is awesome. Hurray!!!

Fall-se Hopes

Fall is my favorite season hands down. The crisp smells of leaves and fireplaces make me giddy. In fact, when I was walking outside today I caught myself grinning like an idiot. I even let a little verbal "Oh!" escape my throat, after getting a particularly perfect whiff, before I could stop myself. Thank God I was the only one within earshot.

The sense of smell is so powerful. It's pretty well known that smells have a way of transporting us back to certain memories. I had a rather vivid moment the other day while sitting in Starbucks. I was killing time reading and enjoying a yummy Pumpkin Spice latte, while Rufus Wainwright sang over the speakers. Suddenly, a strange feeling washed over me. I felt exactly as I did 3 years ago when I moved here, when I would go down the street to my then neighborhood Starbucks to get a Pumpkin Spice latte while listening to Rufus Wainwright. At that time I was feeling lonely because I had just moved here, but also excited for what the future held. It really made me realize how much time has passed and how I've grown. It was really cool! I wanted the feeling to last, so I kept staring at a certain spot on the chair in front of me, until it faded about a minute later - the feeling, not the chair.

It made me wonder if we could use our senses to travel through time. I really thought I was on to something until I remembered a little movie called "Somewhere in Time." For those of you who don't know it, please do us all a favor and Netflix* it. SIT is a 1980 time travel romance, and it's just ridiculous in the best way. It was filmed on location at and around the Grand Hotel on Mackinac Island, MI. This made me feel extra cool as a kid because my family would go there in the summers, so I pretty much felt like I owned the movie.

The plot is basically this: in 1972, Christopher Reeve's character, Richard, is approached by an elderly woman who places a pocket watch in his hand while pleading with him to "come back" to her. Cut to eight years later, Reeve visits the Grand Hotel and is captivated by a photograph of a mysterious, beautiful young woman. Reeve discovers that she is Jane Seymour's character, Elise, a famous early 20th-century stage actress. As the mystery unfolds, he learns that she was the elderly woman who gave him the pocket watch.

Reeve is obsessed! He must go back in time to find her! So, of course, he learns about auto-suggestive time travel from an old college professor of his. To accomplish this feat of self-hypnosis, he must remove all things from sight that are related to the current time. After a few tries, his absolute faith allows him to journey back through time. He drifts off to sleep and awakens in the year 1912. The next 80 minutes are pure love story,

Spoiler alert!! Don't read the italics if you haven't seen the movie and are planning to!

The whole thing is ruined when he pulls a 1979 penny out of his pocket. The reminder thrusts him back into present time! What an idiot! He had one job to do: "remove all things from sight that are related to the current time," the professor couldn't have been more clear. Luckily he dies from a broken heart (or starvation, I never really figured it out) shortly after his return. Now he and Jane Seymour can be together forever, in a place beyond time itself. Gag... and sigh.

So, the real question here is: can I use the scent of my pumpkin spice latte to travel through time? Will I find my own Elise? Or Edwin, since I'm not into chicks? I'll keep trying, and will post my progress here. Can someone please start a fund to help me pay for all those lattes I'm gonna need? Those bitches are expensive!

Of course, let's not forget this is also the season of my birthday. October 10th for anyone who's keeping track. That also probably has something to do with my love for this time of year. Who doesn't love their birthday? A Dummy, that's who.

*with all the product placement in this entry, I better be getting a hefty check from - one more time - Starbucks and Netflix