Hermit the Freak

The guy that lives in the apartment below me is SO WEIRD!

Every time I walk by his door I hear the oddest sounds: a cat mewing at the top of its little cat lungs, big band music, and what has to be a Dot Matrix printer.

I've lived here for over a year, and I've seen him once... when he was out front walking his cat on a leash. That experience must have been particularly scary, because I haven't seen him since.

Other proof he lives here include the multitude of packages he receives daily and the landlord relaying a complaint of noise when we had THREE people over. That, a party does not make. And they were gone by 9:30pm. What a tool.

I'm not quite sure why he's not living with his mother. I'd slip a note under his door to suggest it, but I don't want him to go into a seizure over the threat of communicating with a human.

Overstock.com

The following was posted on the Chicago Improv Network today:

Comedic Caucasian Male Actor Needed

Wherever are they going to find one of those in Chicago??? And don't take him away from our community when you find him, poster. We'll be hard pressed to find another one!

Me Weekly

I visited L.A. last week for the first time in 13 years. After only one week, I'm pretty sure it's all about me. I love a place that feeds that monster. Get ready...

I won't bore you with all the fun stuff I did... suffice it to say, I was devastated to come back to Chicago. I also won't bore you with all the celebrity sightings I had... because there weren't any! Not a one! I'm SO disappointed. Then my friend Paul pointed out that as long as I'm looking for a celebrity, I won't recognize the one that's already in the room, AKA me. That's sweet, but total bullshit. I really want to see for myself how the stars are just like us! And to top it off my friend Erica saw Sarah Jessica Parker on a trip to NYC last week and Jude Law here in Chicago at the Peninsula today.

Why not me??? Grrrr....

Laureate in Rags

I think I may be the jerk sometimes. The evidence is piling up.

Recently in Bucktown I was scared and grossed out by a homeless man that approached me... until he offered me a sheet of his poetry for one dollar. So I bought it... then I read it... and it was beautiful. Shame on me.

Eau de vie

Here's a game I like to play on the bus: it's called "Who Smells Like *BLANK*." The answers are wide open. I have found that pee is the most popular smell.

How are so many people wetting themselves? Or, what do I know, maybe its the hot new scent at Bath & Body Works. Piss Body Spray. Congrats B&B! It's a top seller!!

Also, my Women's Health magazine is giving me the creeps about bacteria and bugs. Did you know "we unintentionally eat up to two pounds of bugs annually???" That's way high. I estimated maybe two individual ones per year, not two POUNDS!!! Also, "we transfer 10,000 bacteria from a mouth to a bowl of dip when someone double dips three to six times????" You're not the only one at the party! Make the most of your one dip per chip!

I like to be informed, but I think for info like that, ignorance is bliss!!

So, the question on everyone's mind is: am I a germ freak, or simply one of the good guys, AKA clean and piss-free? Only time will tell...

Some days I feel like a real bad ass. Today is one of them.

I can't put my finger on why I feel this way, but I'm gonna enjoy the ride.

Tragic

There's not much on TV this Sunday afternoon...

So I decided to watch "Saving Private Ryan" starting somewhere in the middle. When it got to the scene where Giovanni Ribisi dies, I had to change the channel. It's a heart-wrenching scene and why put myself through that again?

The only other semi-palatable movie on was "The First Wives Club." It was the final scene where the women sing "You Don't Own Me." It's just awful. So, I switched back to "Saving Private Ryan." But that was too much, so I switched back to FWC. Then that was too much, so I switched back to SPR. Guess I'd rather watch a painful death scene than the painful, weak out of "First Wives Club." Ouch.

How's that for timely burns? Ha! Take it, shitty movie from 1996!