I wish....

I've had some thoughts over the last month that I don't think require long explanations; so I thought I'd list them here. Keep in mind, a lot of these are the things I force myself not to say in the moment. So while they may seem jerky, remember that I nearly exploded keeping them inside. And that, my friends, is what makes a lady. Sigh.

I spend too much time hating people I don't know.

I'd love to pull a gun on someone that's being a jerk without suffering the consequences. I think if that person pooped their pants out of fear, they'd probably get humble and turn into a nicer person.

I'd love to say "I don't care" to the person telling me about their upcoming surgery

I'm so grossed out by the animated bacteria on commercials for cleaning supplies and medicine! It's disgusting! I hate those products for making me feel like that, and so I refuse to buy what they're selling!

What will my celebrity cause be? Darfur is taken, and Noah Wylie has already claimed the polar bears. What's left? I think I'm going to fund research on how to keep puppies as puppies forever.

We get it, pop culture photographers! Enough with the "aw shucks" shot of the quirky actor with his hand behind his head. This image is supposed to say, "I don't know, I'm just me I guess." How can that be when everyone else that's your type is doing it?

I wish I could say "that sucks" to a terrible idea. Especially when the person with said idea insists that it's not when I delicately pooh pooh it.

Any song that has the lyrics, "Life is..." automatically sucks

Stop trying so hard.

When I'm a serial killer in a movie, I'm going to leave the list of names of the people I'm killing tacked to a corkboard above my desk. That way the detectives that discover that list upon forcefully entering my vacated apartment will be sure to apprehend me in the nick of time. They'll know where to go because I've crossed out the names of the people I've already killed sequentially. Let me acknowledge that normally, commenting on this over-used technique in movies would seem hacky to me; we all know that's stupid... if I hadn't just seen it on a CSI rerun. Yikes.

I have more, but they're mostly along the lines of just wishing people would just act the way I want them to. I can't be the only one who feels this way.

I'm officially uncool

Apparently there's a musical group called "Danity Kane." Danity Kane is an American pop and R&B girl group signed to Bad Boy Records, first established in 2005. They were formed on the second installment of MTV's Making the Band reality television series. All of this happened without my knowledge. What the hell?

When they were mentioned on the radio today I heard "Danny Kaye." For all you heathens, Danny Kaye is one of the world's best known comedians. His most high-profile projects were as the guy that wasn't Bing Crosby in White Christmas, host of the Academy Awards, and finally guest-starring in one single episode as Dr. Burns on The Cosby Show.

At first I cringed when I realized my mistake. It didn't take long to figure out... Danny Kay is long-deceased, so he'd have a hard time giving a shout out to Chicago on The Mix at 4pm. It was at this moment I officially crossed into Grandma-land. I mean, who mistakes a hot girl-band with a dead comedian?

How did this happen? I have subscriptions to Entertainment Weekly and US Weekly! That's two sources of super important information!! Weekly! I just can't keep up. I'm gonna go buy myself some Werther's Originals and start giving my family members a hard time about how they never visit me.

Renovation

I'm jealous of the woman I saw meeting with her interior designer over coffee on a Monday afternoon. Swatches splayed out all over the table, words like "fabulous," "pearlized accents," and "Mountbatten pink" being tossed around, my pashmina draped delicately over my shoulders... How do I get that life?

Help Them

I just saw a commercial on Bravo that really touched me.

It was a montage of different shots of wildlife in danger of extinction. This montage was set to Richard Marx's "Right Here Waiting."

I don't think that's what he had in mind when he wrote that song. And I don't think the commercial is supposed to make me laugh.

You Can Do It!

A word of advice to the ladies:

Be nice to the pretty girl in the room. I know it's hard, and goes against our natural tendencies, but nobody said life was gonna be easy.

When you're mean to her, you expose that soft little jealous underbelly of yours, and it makes YOU even LESS attractive. Now, I know you're assuming she's going to be mean because she's pretty, but did it ever occur that you get what you project? If you're a bitch, she's probably gonna be one right back. She's protecting herself! Get tough, ladies. Chances are she's pretty cool, and hoping you're not going to be mean.

I'm glad we had this talk.

Smoke 'Em Out

Since Illinois went smoke free in January, I've gotten less used to cigarette smoke. I love it. It's like I'm a kid again, and my parents are protecting me from harmful things. I'm never around it, so when grandpa smokes, it stands out as an odd thing.

I got into a cab today that reeked of smoke. The driver said, "it's OK if you want to smoke in here." "Clearly," I replied, "No thanks. I'll just chew on this lingering secondhand."

Cabbies are becoming more lenient as drunk people pour out of bars, desperate for a cig. Well, Cabbie, I guarantee I'll tip you more for providing a clean environment for me than Drunkie will for letting him bend the rules. In my experience, drunk folks feel entitled to special treatment. I just want to not sneeze from smoke allergies and stink like your stale cigarette after I get out of the cab. In fact, I can refer to my Passenger Bill of Rights and Responsibilities right here on the back of the seat. As a passenger I have the right and responsibility to not smoke while riding in the cab. As a cab driver, you have the responsibility to have some balls and tell your customers no.

That's Cold

Break-ups are rarely easy. But in this case, it's the best decision.

I'm sorry, Winter. It's over.

I can't take any more of this abusive relationship. Every time I walk outside you slap me in the face; I cringe when you touch me. I have to wear long sleeves, lest the neighbors talk; I hate to leave the house. How am I supposed to live my life with you in my way?

And I'm not gonna get all sentimental come next December like I do every year, when you come crawling back all clean and new and beautiful, bearing Christmas gifts. No present could ever make up for the way you've treated me over the past few months.

You're a real jerk, Winter. Hit the skids.