Cinematic Horror

When I'm a famous movie star...

I hope I never have to do a scene where I accidentally walk in on a potential love interest coming out of the shower, or something equally staged, to show off his rock hard abs. "But he's my friend, just my friend! Who knew he had rock hard abs? Hmmm.... maybe we should get married! Do you think he can hear my heart pounding through the bathroom door I just quickly slammed shut and am now leaning against?" I don't think I could seriously pull off the requisite surprised, then embarrassed, then thoughtful look that follows such an encounter. Any smart actress that swallows her pride and comes off accessible and believable in that dreck deserves two Oscars.

I also hope I'm never handed a script that relies on the protagonist singing karaoke to show her straight-laced character loosening up. Gag. You know how it goes: she does so reluctantly at first, but then by the end of the song her shirt is open and she's rocking out with a fabulous voice. The song that's been chosen for her by her "crazy" friend that secretly signed her up is probably "I Will Survive" or "Lady Marmalade."

But honestly, I'm not above singing cliche karaoke songs in the flesh. I just wish I'd been the first one in a film to do it. Let's go sing karaoke! Who's with me?

So close!

Sometimes this business of show really drives me nuts.

Last Wednesday I had two callbacks for commercials, one for ComEd and the other for Donato's Pizza. I walked out feeling like I rocked them both. Sure enough, I got a call from my agents checking my availability for both commercials... both shooting on the same day. Son of a bitch. But I remained optimistic. I mean, out of two I'm going to book one, right? Wrong.

I was released from both. Normally I don't like to broadcast my disappointments, but this was a new one. I guess there's something to be said for getting as far as I did, that side of it doesn't escape me. I mean, of all the people that auditioned I was seriously considered for both. But it's almost more frustrating to be that close and have it taken away.

So, I have decided to boycott pizza and electricity. I encourage you all to do the same.

Post-Thanksgiving

I try to be grateful for the small things.

I don't wear glasses, so nothing fogs up in my eyes when I step inside on a snowy day. Today I watched a guy get out of the blizzard and onto the bus; his glasses were totally cloudy. What a pain in the ass that must be! The very device that helps him see was out of order!

I equate this annoyance to when my hair gets trapped under the strap of my purse. I get so mad at that purse! How dare it pull my hair! I'll bet he was as irrationally angry at his glasses as I get at my purse.

Or maybe he's not crazy.

Choices

In legal news, Carmen Electra is suing the NWWL for breach of contract, negligence and unfair business practices, claiming that she was never paid her agreed-upon price for a handful of live event appearances.

For those of you who have lives, NWWL stands for the Naked Womens' Wrestling League.

Personally, I'm shocked and dismayed. If you can't trust the people that trade in naked women wrestling, who can you trust?

In other ridiculous news involving bimbos, Kristy Swanson was recently invited to tour the CIA facilities and have a sit-down with the organization. The visit hopes to smooth over relations between Hollywood and the government agency, as the CIA doesn't appreciate the negative way they are portrayed in movies and television. WHAT????

If I'd known Kristy Swanson had connections to the CIA, I wouldn't have been such a snot to her on the set of "Early Edition." You remember that show, right? No? It filmed in Chicago. OK, how about "Forbidden Secrets?" It aired on USA. Jeez! OK, what about her star-making turn as "Christie Boner" from the hit film "Dude, Where's my Car?" Uh-oh. Well, of course you heard about when Swanson's current boyfriend Lloyd Eisler's wife kicked her ass in Canada? I suppose forging relations with a C-list celebrity with an assault charge is cool with our government, as long as she was booked in a different country.

Wise choice, CIA. If you think Kristy Swanson has any influence in Hollywood, I'm even more concerned about your ability to obtain and analyze information about foreign governments and corporations, and then ADVISE public policymakers based on that information; or whatever it is you actually do.

This entry was created at my own risk. I'm now on a list somewhere.

Oh, Ladies

My new distraction is watching marathons of the Showtime series "Weeds." As soon as it arrives via Netflix in my mailbox, I hunker down with plenty of gummy bear-ish sustenance and turn off my phone. It's fantastic. I'm addicted. Now, don't get all excited and tighten your shoulders in anticipation, this entry will not be a critique of the show, much as I'm sure you're drooling to hear what I think. It is a comment of something that has bothered me for years: being a super sassy female only works on TV.

Like most normal people, I gleaned a lot of my perceptions on life from watching television. My favorite female characters have always been the strong, willful, funny and spunky types. I decided at a very young age that acting like that suited me the best, and over the years of practice my personality developed into just that, for better or worse. (I have plenty of negative traits, but we'll focus on those at a later date. I'll probably be drunk, and you'll have to tell me I'm crazy and list the reasons why I'm awesome. I won't believe you, but I'll keep passive aggressively asking for compliments. It's gonna be fun)

In "Weeds," Mary Louise Parker joins the ranks of these fearless female characters. Just this past Sunday I watched her fire sassy comments left and right, and every guy ate it up. She pushed them away and they came running back for more. When it hit me, I sat straight up in my bed like a shot, my brain screaming, "Wait a minute! It doesn't work that way! Men don't respond to that positively! They hate it!" Because when you boil it down, she's just being a bitch. A clever bitch, but a bitch nonetheless.

We must save the young girls of today! There's a new generation of bitches being cultivated in front of the TV this very moment! It's too late for me, but save the little ones! While you're doing that, I'll be watching my favorite new show.

Lucky Girl

I have an amazing mother. She does all the classic things we expect mothers to do: bake treats, proofread papers, sew buttons, etc. But that's just the tip of the iceberg.

It came to my attention recently that something else she does is directly linked to my high self-esteem. In addition to being super supportive and giving feedback on various normal things,
she compliments me for nothing. For example:

Me: "Hey, the sun just came out."

Mother: "Good eye."

This exchanged actually happened last weekend. Now, we all know it doesn't take a Mensa member to see the difference between sun and no sun. But for that moment, I've really done something wonderful. It took me thirty years to actually hear her do that, but since that second of realization, I hear it all the time. And I love it. There's not one conversation we have where she doesn't say "good job." I'm very lucky.

Good job, Mom.

A True Fan

Seriously, how cool is this?

I had a birthday a couple of weeks ago, and my brother Brian wore this shirt through dinner at Via Carducci and drinks at Easy Bar. I didn't even tell him to do it!

It's nice to see that he's developed into such an intelligent, conscientious young man. As an older sister, I can't help but take total credit for that.

I'd like to point out that his friend Tom recently expressed utter shock and awe (slight exaggeration) that I am older that Brian. I'd like to think it's because of my fresh, rosy-cheeked complexion, but I think it's because I don't own a condo.