Not Too Bright

I'd like to share with you the dumbest thought I've ever had.

This happened years ago, and even after all this time I haven't trumped myself with a dumber thought... that I know of. Feel free to inform me if I've ever said something bonehead-ier than this:

A man rode by me on a recumbent bicycle, and I thought "Oh what a cool bike. He must be paralyzed from the waist up."

The fact that I soon after realized how impossible that is comforts me slightly.

It Boils Down To This

There are two types of people: those who return the shopping cart to the cart corral, and those who don't.

I know everyone thinks they are complex and unique. I'm not saying we're not. We're very special, each of us a precious jewel in a pile of crap. I am saying the choice that is made in this scenario determines if you contribute to society, or if you expect other people to pick up your slack. Whether you're industrious or lazy. Humble or narcissistic. Which one are you? You don't have to tell me. Just start returning the cart to the corral, precious jewel.

Sarah's Back... Back Again...

After a significant hiatus, I'm back to blogging full time. I'm sure The Huffington Post is all over this.

I had to take a break for awhile. I started to feel as though I needed to censor the majority of my evil little thoughts for a myriad of reasons.

During my time as an on-air personality for a TV station, I wanted to tread lightly, so's not to create any negative publicity. E! News was holding their breath, just waiting for me to slip up.

I then did a stint of subbing for Pre-K through 12th grade and believe me, I had A LOT to say about those kids (demons). But you know, that wouldn't be "nice" and again, I was trying to be respectful, and continue to get paid for babysitting those... gulp... sweet little angels (read: opposite).

Finally, I felt accountable to my husband, Grant. As an entertainer, he has a relatively high profile. I mean, he has 2182 Facebook friends! The man has arrived. So, between his political aspirations (I know), his impressionable young fans, and creepy middle aged women that want to know more about me (Yes, YOU)... I needed a timeout to figure out how to continue writing here.

It's decided. I'm not changing a GD thing. And it feels really good. See you suckas tomorrow!

My Apologies

I have to come clean.

I haven't updated this blog in awhile because I wasn't ready to publicly admit something shameful. I've finally resigned myself to my misdeed, and I'm ready to shout it from the mountaintops! Or, inform the three of you that still check this site periodically between Facebook and your work email.

I've moved to Branson, Missouri.

Sigh. I know. WTF, right? Now for damage control.

I moved here because my boyfriend's band got a great gig. I met him on the ship, and amazingly, we still like each other. I figured it was worth pursuing a future with the one person I didn't want to strangle after spending a significant amount of time with. So far, so good.

I know I'm not shocking anyone by saying that Branson is weird. I spend as little time there as possible, only venturing in to see the boy's show once a week. Other than that, I head north to Springfield six days a week to work and perform.

Here's the crazy thing: I moved to BFE to find an improv theater I love performing at, and a steady gig on TV.

I work at a new TV station as an on-air personality. Basically I'm a Midwestern (or southern, depending on your taste) VJ. So far, it's been pretty fun. Here are some examples of some vignettes I've done in the past couple weeks:

Car Vignette

Events Vignette

Silly stuff under the guise of a big girl, corporate job. I wear closed toes shoes at least twice a week now.

On Friday and Saturday nights, I get to perform at The Skinny Improv. I cannot believe this place is here. The performers are truly talented, and so much fun to play with. I did a piece on The Skinny for the TV station. This was my first attempt at a vignette without direction, so cut me some slack! Golly.

The Skinny Improv Vignette

So, this is my new life, in a nutshell. It's not that bad.

Trash

To my Do-Gooder Friends,

Go to KeepOceansClean.org to save... The Little Mermaid?

The Environmental Defense Fund is dedicated to protecting the environmental rights of all people, including future generations. Either they think eventually we'll mate with fish, or they are desperate to reach us by appealing to our childhood heroines.

Ariel!! No! Don't eat that plastic bag! If only we'd donated ten bucks to that foundation!

Pick a little, talk a little, cheep cheep cheep...

I kinda want to start a blog where I post transcribed conversations I overhear between women in the bathroom. I don't know what it is, but I think we forget that other people can hear us when we're in there. In fact, Ladies, our words are magnified and echoed to the other chicks in the stalls. The really sad thing is that the conversations revolve around 2 subjects - Men that aren't doing what we want them to do, and Women we hate.

If you're a woman reading this and thinking to yourself, "I don't do that!" yes, you do. I challenge my sex to broaden our horizons and try to talk something else. I know it'll be hard; we've been conditioned over the years that the place we pee is the place we bitch. And how about while you're saying something nice about your guy friend's new girlfriend, you take a seat... it'll help you relax and save me from sitting in your germs later. Oh, what a lovely place the world will be!!

The Truth

I had the best conversation the other night. I was at a bar (I know, surprise surprise... shut up) with my childhood friend, when we ran into her sister. Her VERY drunk sister. When my friend introduced us, the following was said:

Sister: WHO are you?

Me: Sarah.

Sister: Oh, yeah! I don't like you.

Me: Oh yeah? Awesome.

My friend: No, no. You like Sarah. You don't like (other childhood friend who shall not be named... though it's tempting because she turned out to be an asshole).

Sister: Nope. Don't like you. (hiccup) Never did.

Me: Well, it's nice to meet you for the first time ever.

That's pretty amazing. Now, I gave her alot of leeway in this scenario, because she was so wasted. Any protests on my part would've made her insist harder, and maybe turn violent... I dunno, she had alot of tattoos. I don't mess with chicks with alot of tattoos. Also, I kind of like the thought of people having the courage - albeit liquid courage - to say what they're actually thinking. I also like thinking I'm memorable and powerful enough to be remembered unfavorably for 20 years.

On another note, I discovered the best thing ever: I found a light in a bathroom in a house in Wellesley, MA, under which I look STUNNING. Seriously, this is my spot. I couldn't stop staring at myself in the mirror. I actually kept leaving the party I was at to go into the bathroom to look at myself. So, let's all pick a day when we travel to this bathroom in MA and look at me under the light. You will not be disappointed.

Wow, no wonder that girl hates me.